Moonshadows

Hyper-Parenting With the Best of Intentions

I decided to break the book down by chapters to reflect on what I’ve taken away from reading it. Chapter One of Hyper-parenting: Are You Hurting Your Child by Trying Too Hard? by Alvin Rosenfeld, MD, and Nicole Wise is called “With the Best Intentions.”

Many parents these days “labor ceaselessly” in order to do everything that they can for their children. In general, these “hyper-parents” don’t know where and when to cut back. Cutting back on excessive parenting may lead to feelings of being negligent in some way. “…our earnest efforts to get it just right get in our way.” At least for me, trying to do everything “by the book” led to less enjoyment of being a parent. Everytime I was not perfect, I felt like a failure.

As is customary, the authors point a finger at “the media” for causing much of the stress and hype regarding parenting. From sensationalizing rare tragedies to an impossible portrayal of family life, it could be that we never feel safe nor believe that we are doing enough. We are encouraged to rely on the “expert opinion” of the moment instead of our own intuition. Furthermore, technology has sped everything up, leading us to believe that we can do much more in the same amount of time. Zapping a dinner in the microwave may let us fit in one more activity, but what do we lose by not “going slow”?

“If we are feeling crazed by the pace of our lives, it’s not necessarily because there is something wrong with us; it may be because most people cannot handle life at warp speed.” Piano con calma sounds like a good remedy, doesn’t it?

In the end, I can live with the imperfections, knowing that good is good enough. I will attempt to listen to my children and find the right balance for us. Beautiful home, stylish clothes, perfect behavior is not ideal. What is ideal is a family that learns how to be together, how to listen to each other, how to grow together. The outside trappings are not ideal and are not what is important. Moreover, perfection in any form is not what we will seek, not as a an image nor as a reality.

5 comments June 14th, 2006

Are You a Hyper-Parent? Am I?

I’ve just finished reading Hyper-parenting: Are You Hurting Your Child by Trying Too Hard? by Alvin Rosenfeld, MD, and Nicole Wise.

Hyper-parenting includes “overscheduling” and “over enriching” our children, forcing us as parents to give up what is meaningful to us (other than our kids’ lives). The authors make the point that in a typical middle class American family, there is plenty of enrichment already. We should not fill our days with activities, lessons, educational opportunities too good to be missed, etc, at the detriment of our sanity.

This book fits in well with my current goal of “Piano con Calma”. I want our lives to be enriched, not by the quantity of outside activities we do, but by making connections within our family and community. This week is our slow week and it has been wonderful for all of us. We have planned no activities apart from our weekly trip to the library. The girls are reading, playing games, swimming and enjoying their childhoods.

3 comments June 14th, 2006